Tribute: Picking Up The Pieces

By now, many of you have learned about the death of my husband, Dennis. For those who haven't, he passed away on Thursday, February 12th, at the UCSF Medical Center. The infection that had ravaged his body for so many months finally took such a hold that it could not be stopped and, realizing this, Dennis chose to end his fight against it. It was a characteristically brave and dignified ending to an amazing life.

It has taken me this long to compose myself enough to write this. The level of devastation has been unimaginable - nothing I have read or heard could have prepared me for the moment when he took his last breath. Often, in cases of lengthy illness, the event is seen as a relief, of sorts. I've experienced that feeling before with the deaths of my grandmother, my brother, my nephew, and finally my father, all of whom lingered through long, painful periods of decline before finally being released from the illnesses that dictated their lives for so long. Those of us left behind grieved for them and mourned our loss, but still knew deep down that our loved ones were no longer suffering, no longer in pain. That knowledge somehow softened our pain and kept us moving forward. Perhaps this should be how I view Dennis's death, but I cannot.

At the same time, I am filled with almost overwhelming gratitude for the brief time we shared and the final weeks we were given to reaffirm our feelings for each other. I know, without any doubt, that I was truly and completely loved. How many of us are fortunate enough not only to experience that, but to hear it from that very special person, before it's too late? On his last day, I told Dennis that I would not hesitate to do it all over again - the pain, the hospitals, the care-giving - and I meant it. No level of hardship could ever eclipse the joy of having him in my life. To say that I am a better person just for having known him is such an understatement. Rather, I have become the person I was meant to be because of him, and for that alone I will always be truly grateful.

I Lef)t My Heart (and my sanity) in San Francisco...

We're well into week two here at UCSF. The weather has been unseasonably perfect - not too cold, sunny and clear - the accomodations (for me, at least) have been great, and the progress has been slow and steady.



Dennis should be going home very soon. The infection that has plagued him now seems to be retreating. Doctors are still confident that they'll be able to get Dennis through this and list him for the transplant, but the plans keep changing and becoming more complicated.



Turns out that mild heart attack was the result of a 90% blockage and an aneurysm in the same artery. The transplant surgeons are thinking that they can have a heart surgeon come in during the transplant to do a bypass. Wow. All this, of course, has to be presented to the committee, which meets today. We've been busy making sure that those doctors presenting the case know that Dennis is ready and willing...it's not like we have any alternatives. It's interesting to me that the outlook of the UCSF doctors is so different from the Davis docs who seemed to be intimidated by all the complications. Here, they're looked at as challenges, not brick walls. What's that line you always hear from motivational types - there are no challenges, only solutions?