Tribute: Picking Up The Pieces

By now, many of you have learned about the death of my husband, Dennis. For those who haven't, he passed away on Thursday, February 12th, at the UCSF Medical Center. The infection that had ravaged his body for so many months finally took such a hold that it could not be stopped and, realizing this, Dennis chose to end his fight against it. It was a characteristically brave and dignified ending to an amazing life.

It has taken me this long to compose myself enough to write this. The level of devastation has been unimaginable - nothing I have read or heard could have prepared me for the moment when he took his last breath. Often, in cases of lengthy illness, the event is seen as a relief, of sorts. I've experienced that feeling before with the deaths of my grandmother, my brother, my nephew, and finally my father, all of whom lingered through long, painful periods of decline before finally being released from the illnesses that dictated their lives for so long. Those of us left behind grieved for them and mourned our loss, but still knew deep down that our loved ones were no longer suffering, no longer in pain. That knowledge somehow softened our pain and kept us moving forward. Perhaps this should be how I view Dennis's death, but I cannot.

At the same time, I am filled with almost overwhelming gratitude for the brief time we shared and the final weeks we were given to reaffirm our feelings for each other. I know, without any doubt, that I was truly and completely loved. How many of us are fortunate enough not only to experience that, but to hear it from that very special person, before it's too late? On his last day, I told Dennis that I would not hesitate to do it all over again - the pain, the hospitals, the care-giving - and I meant it. No level of hardship could ever eclipse the joy of having him in my life. To say that I am a better person just for having known him is such an understatement. Rather, I have become the person I was meant to be because of him, and for that alone I will always be truly grateful.